Pelvic Thrusting, Cupboard Loving
by Mydnytwriter
Summary: Two boys and a cupboard may not sound so appealing, but it is now, thanks to two crazy chicks and Dracula Co-Written with KuroibaraKitty ***** Disclaimer: We don't own Edward, Jacob or any of the doctors! We do own Kitty, Rar and Dracula though XD *****


**KuroibaraKitty's A/N: So this is a little retarded... Okay, a _lot_ retarded, but it was heaps of fun to write, edit, edit again and just keep editing lol**

**MydNytWriter had the original idea, and I built upon it. As I was writing, MydNytWriter kept giving input, and telling me what to add (slave driver), and we both took turns editing and adding stuff, so it really is the most co-written story ever!**

**Anyone who guesses who the two doctors are and what they are from, will recieve lots of love and cookies (Not even Rar knew who they were until I told her!)**

**I hope you enjoy our little piece of... awesomeness =D**

**XoXoX**

**Kuroibara Kitty**

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**MydNytWriter's A/N: Ello Ello my pretties? How are we all?... Well this is our wonderfully retarded story, as KuroibaraKitty already pointed out. So this story came to us while i was searching phobia names for my other story, 'Metathesiophobia', (TeeHee, shameless advertising) and I found lots of funny phobias. Now that was some funny shit. But anyways. Hope you enjoy :)**

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He turned a corner and a large wooden door finally came into sight. On it, a shiny gold plaque proudly showed the words 'Dr. H Melnick'. Looking around quickly, he rushed to the door and jabbed the button next to it. When the light above it turned green, he turned the handle and rushed in, practically slamming the door behind him.

"Ahh, Edward, how are you today?" A calm voice said behind him. Edward turned to see a tall, middle-aged man with curly, light brown hair. The other man showed no sign of surprise at his abrupt entrance as Edward did it every session.

"Fine, doctor, how are you?" He answered, much more at ease now that he was in the privacy of the office.

"Good, thank you for asking. Now, please, take a seat." Dr. Melnick said, motioning to a black leather couch behind him. Edward walked over and got comfortable while the doctor grabbed a clipboard off of his desk and took his place in an armchair a short distance away.

Dr. Melnick glanced at his clipboard before starting. "This is your... fourth session, helping you deal with your... Ithyphallophobia, Phallophobia and Medorthophobia? Please... Remind me what each of those are, again..."

Visibly gulping, Edward muttered a string of profanities under his breath. Seeing the look on the psychiatrist's face, he began to observe his shoes closely. After a few moments he finally said, "Fear of erect penises or having an erect penis..."

"Ahh, of course." The cheeky doctor said, having already known that. He looked at his clipboard again, "You also have... Oneirogmophobia? A fear of wet dreams? You didn't mention that one in our last few sessions. What's happened? Have any incidents occured?"

Edward went on to recount the extreme terror of waking from a wet dream he'd had only a few nights before and how he'd been unable to deal with his... engorgement. It had involved him sitting up in bed for at least an hour, his eyes closed, disturbingly picturing naked old men, trying to will his hard on away.

It had finally dissapeared, but he hadn't been able to fall asleep that night.

------------------------------------------------------Meanwhile-------------------------------------------------------

Jacob reached a tanned, muscled arm up and knocked on the wooden door in front of him. The gold plaque on it read 'Dr. Kureha'.

"Come in!" A scratchy, feminine voice called. He grabbed the handle and entered his psychiatrist's office. The sight that greeted him was slowly becoming normal.

It was a middle aged woman who was sitting at the desk. She was obviously very fit and skinny. She was wearing long purple pants that had pink markings up one leg and a white top with sakura leaves in a circle on the front. The top was short, showing her pierced navel. She had a long-sleeved purple jacket on, with brown boots finishing off the attire.

Some one hundred-year-old men would have found Dr. Kureha attractive, but she deffinitely wasn't Jacob's type.

"Good day, doctorine. How are you?" He asked, using a nickname he'd picked up for her from over hearing some of her other patients, and the secretaries, in the waiting room.

"Normal, kid. Ya happy?" She asked, her voice slightly croaky and high-pitched.

"Course not, doctorine. If I was, why would I be seeing a psychiatrist?" Jacob answered.

The old woman cackled evily, reminding him of a stereotypical witch. She also had a mad glint in her eye that always put him off a bit. "How much of a dolt could you be? You're not here for a psych, you're just here to admire my good looks!"

He smiled brightly. Most people were scared of the woman, with her sarcastic attitude and almost cruel methods of treatment, but, after so many weeks of treatment, he was used to her and was beginning to like her. Besides, his happy-go-lucky nature made it hard for him to dislike people.

"Sit, kid. This is your fifth session, and it's like nothing's happened. I usually get fast results from my patients, but you're an almost useless case! We are going to start with a re-count of exactly what you have. Shoot!"

Jacob hardly paused, "I have Medomalacuphobia, the fear of losing an erection before I hit my peak during intercourse." He stated casually, "They also gave me you as a doctor, cause I'm a raging homo..."

"Good, kid! You're on your way to a cure... Maybe." She cackled again, eyes glinting.

"Maybe? You mean, you can't help me? I'm doomed!" Jacob said sarcastically.

"I never said I couldnt cure you! Are you doubting my perfect skill?" The old woman shouted. She jumped up from her chair and, with unbelieveable speed, she kicked him in the back of the head, sending him sprawling onto the lounge. She calmly settled in her arm chair, saying "Please sit down, Mr. Black, and we shall commence your session."

"Crazy old hag." Jacob muttered under his breath, gaping at her mood swing.

"I heard that."

"Of course you did." The tanned boy said with a sigh, preparing himself for her onslaught.

------------------------------------------------------Meanwhile-------------------------------------------------------

She saw the other girl run up to the desk and, before she could react, she felt her arm almost get tugged out of its socket. They were through a door in seconds, it was slammed behind them and she was thrown into a chair, which rolled about a metre across the floor before she grabbed the side of a desk.

"_Kitty_?! What are you doing? This is Dr. Cullens office! We can't be in here!" She half-whispered, as if afraid of being caught.

"Meh, what I have to say is _way _more important!" She said, flipping her blonde hair back. It was messy and plastered to her face. There was also a rosy colour in her normally pale cheeks. She had obviously run all the way over here.

"Don't make me beat the stupid out of you! More important than losing my job?"

"Since when did you lose your fun-ness, Rar?!" Kitty half sang, half whined with a cheeky pout forming on her lips.

Rar gasped, and smiled evily. "Me? Lose my fun-ness? You have got to be kidding! If you want proof, just look at my hair!" She brushed her shoulder-length hair forward, and Kitty was hit by an on-slaught of colour. Pinks, Purples and Blues mixed into a crazy pattern. Of course she had crazy hair. It was like a second nature to her.

"Yeah, yeah, Rainbow Head, can I tell you what I have to say now?" Kitty said, beaming. She then gently put something, or some_one_, on the ground.

"Okay, okay... Wait... What the hell? Why do you have Dracula here?" She watched the cat as he lazily ambled over, leaped up onto her lap, and sprawled out as she started to pat the cat's stomach. This cat acted so much like a dog sometimes, laying on his back while Rar rubbed his stomach. If she rubbed a certain spot under his neck, his back poor would start to twitch.

"Oh, I didn't want to leave him by himself in the apartment this morning. He is only new, after all!"

Rar glared at her friend, then shook her head, sighing at the other girls antics. Sharing an apartment close to the hospital they both worked at was great, but if Kitty was going to start high-jacking her kitten, she might have to draw a line.

"Now stop patting the fur ball and listen!" Kitty said, her short attention span proudly showing. "You know how I work in the psych ward? Well, there are two patients, and both have been coming for the past couple of weeks, and I've got a plan for them!"

"Oooooo... An evil plan?" Rar asked, smirking.

"Is there any other kind?"

-----------------------------------------------An Hour Or So Later------------------------------------------------

"Edward!" Dr. Melnick called, as he was about to leave.

"Yeah?"

"Why are you always so nervous when you arrive and leave? I've been wanting to ask, but I wasn't sure if we'd made enough progress until now."

Edward grimaced. "Ahh... My dad is a surgeon at this hospital..."

"And... he doesn't know that you have these phobias?"

"Exactly." With that, he left.

------------------------------------------------------Meanwhile-------------------------------------------------------

"Okay, kid. Time to go!"

"What?" Jacob asked, startled. He'd been in the middle of a story.

"Hour is up! Leave!" Kureha said, throwing her clipboard at him. He jumped from the couch and ran to the door, dodging her pen and slamming the door behind him.

"Psycho old witch." He muttered under his breath.

"I heard that, Jacob!"

Jacob just smiled, shook his head, and start walking down the hall

------------------------------------------------------Meanwhile-------------------------------------------------------

"Okay, you ready?" Kitty said to her friend. If the targets were both on schedule, which they usually were, they were about to walk around opposite corners. The first was a bit of a stickler for time keeping, the other had a psychiatrist that kicked him out as soon as his time was up.

Edward Cullen was the first target. He was the son of the wealthy, talented and sexy Dr. Carlisle Cullen, Rar's boss. Extremely sexy. He was on the hitlist, as the girls believed him to be unworthy of the Cullen name, and his father.

Their second target, the insanely hot Jacob Black, was just in it because he was the perfect key to torturing Edward. It sounded a little unfair, but these girls just didn't play fair.

Rar had started calling them targets after Kitty had explained the plan.

Right on time, two figures walked around opposite corners, heading in opposite directions. The girls were right in the middle of the hall, across from an open door, looking totally innocent. Dracula was rubbing himself against Rar's legs, purring.

They wanted the two men to meet directly in the middle, but Edward seemed to be walking a bit faster than Jacob. Luckily, Kitty had planned for this and, as he drew nearer, she subtly pointed to him and said "Chicken" to Dracula.

The cat ran in to the middle of the hall, cutting off Edwards path. He smiled and knelt to pat the cat. The girls watched as Jacob reached them, kneeling down to pat Dracula too. Both boys were oblivious to the girls smirks, as their backs were turned.

Just as they started to stand up, Rar slammed into Jacob's back and Kitty slammed into Edwards, shoving them through the open door. Quickly, Kitty grabbed Edwards shirt and Rar grabbed his pants, they pulled the clothing items off, buttons popping and flying away.

"Thats not as hot as I thought it would be." Kitty said, sounding slightly upset.

The girls slammed the door shut and locked it with the key Kitty had 'borrowed' from her superiors eariler that day. They threw Edward's clothes on the ground, then Rar stood back, raising an eyebrow at Kitty.

"Chicken?" She asked.

"Chicken." Kitty said, smiling.

"You taught my cat a command?"

"Well, yeah. I also taught him to use the toilet."

"Really? Thats freaking awesome!"

"Idiot. I was joking."

"Douche nozzle... I told you not to do things like that. You know I get easily excited." Rar stated with a slight pout. Kitty started laughing and Rar shot her a confused look.

"I'm sorry but I had so many innuendos ready."

"Shut up." Rar said, her lips now forming a full pout.

The girls both jumped back as they heard something hit the other side of the door.

"Let us out!" Two male voices called.

"No!" Two female voices answered.

"Please let us out!" Edward called. "And, please give me back my clothes! Plleeeaaasssseeeeee!"

"Wow, you sound like a real baby!" Kitty called back.

Rar smiled, "You know what? I would really like him to be my baby, cause then I'd get to have sex with Dr. Carlisle Sex-God Cullen!"

"Oh, so you would happily have Dr. Cullen's baby, but you would never admit that you were the daddy of my baby!" Kitty teased, pouting.

"I told you! I was not the father of that baby!" Rar growled.

"You were so! You were the father of my hermaphrodite baby! But you wouldn't admit it! And, I couldn't raise a child on my own, so I had to throw it in the dumpster!" Kitty yelled back.

"It was not my baby! It's unfair that you keep blaming m-!"

"Would you two shut up!" Jacob yelled, cutting her off. "Why the hell are you arguing about a hermaphrodite baby? Wait, don't answer that!"

Smiling, Rar called, "You obviously haven't noticed your cupboard-partners lack of clothing! Now, my friend has informed me of your orientation, and I know you won't be able to resist that for very long, so I hope you have a condom on you!"

The girls heard a small squeak, which had to have been from Edward. Kitty laughed, and started humming a beat. Rar laughed at her song choice, and waited for the other girl to start singing.

"Shut up and sleep with me, come on why don't you sleep with me. Shut up, and sleep with me, come on uh huh and sleep with me!" The blonde started. Rar joined in, and they started dancing in the middle of the hall, pelvic thrusting moves worthy of Elvis being displayed.

"You were young, you're free! Why don't you sleep with me-e-e-e!" They corused.

Kitty broke down into a beat boxing wannabe thing, as Rar continued with some try-hard rap. "Shut up, and sleep with me, come on, why don't you sleep with me? Shut up, and sleep with me, come one, uh huh, and sleep with me-e-e-e!"

The girls broke down into giggles.

"That is so not funny!" Edward called, his voice slightly high pitched.

"It so is!" Kitty called back. "Come on, Rar, let's get out of here and leave these two alone."

Both girls turned and walked in opposite directions, Dracula following Rar. Once they reached either end of the hall, they turned and snuck back, being careful to not allow the guys inside the cupboard to hear their footsteps. They each sat on either side of the door, leaning over to listen, as the cat curled up on Rar's lap.

--------------------------------------------------In The Cupboard--------------------------------------------------

Jacob and Edward listened to the girls' bad singing, and when they heard them walk away they didn't know what to do. They sat at opposite sides of the cupboard, pointedly not looking at each other. Unfortunately, Jacob couldn't help himself. He observed the other man's body openly, a slight smirk on his face.

"What are you smirking at?" Edward asked, disgruntled. He also couldn't help but check out Jacob's muscles, but he didn't look anywhere else.

"You, my friend, are practically naked in front of me... You should see the look on your face!" He let out a bark of laughter.

Edward let a small smile grace his features, but it quickly disappeared when he saw that something was forming a lump in the front of the other mans pants.

"Wh-what is th-that?" He stammered. Jacob raised an eyebrow, then looked down.

"You've never seen an erection before?" He asked. Edward stammered something inaudible, blushing and looking away. "What's wrong?" Jacob asked.

"I've.. ahh... got... a phobia..." Edward answered.

"So do I, what's yours? Or really, don't tell me the name of it, just what it is."

"A fear of... erect penises." Jacob let out another bark of laughter.

"You mean, they locked us in here... not so we'd have sex... but to torture you, cause you're scared that I'm turned on by you, and torture me cause... my phobia is of losing an erection. If we don't have sex, my biggest fear will be realised. If we do, yours will!" He broke down into more barking laughter.

"You want to have sex with me?!" Edward shouted.

"Oh... Ahh, this might be a bit late, but I'm... gay." Jacob smiled.

"Oh... My... God..." Edward moaned. As Edward said that, images flashed into Jacob's mind of what he could be doing to Edward as the bronze haired boy moaned those same words.

"So, how far along in your treatment are you? I'm a couple of weeks, but haven't been getting very far according to my psychiatrist."

"Mine's going pretty good, actually... We've covered most of that fear... and moved on to my other one. A fear of wet dreams..." This was met by more laughing.

"If you've started getting over it... Want to try a test run?"

"That is one of the worst pick up lines I've ever heard!" Edward said, shocked.

"Technically I've already picked you up, sorta. At least, those girls hooked us up." Jacob smirked and leant forward. He couldn't help it, he slowly pulled his t-shirt up over his head and dropped it on the ground next to him. Edward's eyes rolled over his muscles, taking in everything.

"Looks like you've got one of your own to worry about." Jacob said. Jumping, Edward look at the front of his boxers and, sure enough, he saw that a tent had formed.

"You... have got... to be kidding me..." He said, breathing rough. "Down boy!" he muttered, glaring at it. Jacob laughed at him again, this time he joined in.

Jacob looked him over, then slowly moved from where he was sitting, to stop beside Edward. They stayed there for a few minutes in silence, before Jacob licked his lips.

Not looking down, Edward leaned toward the other man and caught his lips with his own. Just kissing him couldn't hurt, could it?

A good five or ten minutes later, Jacob was on top of Edward, and they were making out. They were covered in sweat, their breathing was hard and their members were harder. Finally, Jacob risked pulling at the edge of Edward's boxers. He barely noticed and, in seconds, all clothing, from both men, was removed. Edward pulled back, and took in the sight before him.

"You're huge!" He exclaimed. Jacob smiled proudly. "Can I... Can I touch it?"

Jacob laughed loudly. "Please do!"

Edward reached forward and stroked Jacob's penis. The dark haired boy let out a sound that got Edwards blood pumping even faster. He stroked it again, enjoying the noise.

"Whoah, for someone afraid of erections, you certainly know how to handle one." Jacob moaned loudly. Edward laughed at his statement.

"I have a feeling I'm over that."

"Good."

----------------------------------------------------Minutes later-----------------------------------------------------

The two boys were too busy grinding against each other that they didn't notice the two girls standing at the doorway until Rar started giggeling.

"Shh, Rar. You're going to get us busted!" Kitty whispered while slapping her friend in the back of the head.

The two startled boys looked up at the girls. They quickly separated with embarrassed looks on their faces.

"Now look what you did, Rar! Now they've stopped." Kitty said with a pout.

Rar started giggling again, "It's not my fault! It was Edward's! He moans like a girl!" Both girls started laughing, while Jacob tried, unsuccessfully, to hold in his laugh.

The two girls looked at them, then at each other. At the same time they said, "This is why people should lock two boys in a closet together more often."

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**KuroibaraKitty's A/N: See? Retarded XD Do you know the doctors??? I bet you don't! Oh, and GOOGLE IS CHEATING!!! (Rar googled Dr. Kureha) :P**

**In case you weren't smart enough to figure it out, Kitty is me and Rar is MydNytWriter (Our nicknames in the real world) And, yes, I think we really are this retarded... Actually, I know we are!!!**

**Now, Read and Review for us and I'll love you forever! I'll give you cookies! I'll stalk you!**

**XoXoX**

**Kuroibara Kitty**

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**MydNytWriter's A/N: Well did you like it? ... So, just to let you know, Dracula is a real cat, and he is really mine. :) He got the name Dracula cause he has a habit of sitting on my shoulder and biting my neck :) But enough about my cat. 'Chicken' is actualy a code word used between Kitty and I, but we say it 'Cheekin' and we use it for something else... Anything else you wanna know, just ask... Bye Bye**


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